Failure

I can’t help but feel like I’m a failure recently.

Two years ago, I took a big chance in leaving a steady job that I held for seven and a half years to accept a position at a rival start-up company. It was a risky move but one I felt I had to make if I wanted to move up in my career.

I moved from the company where I had been from its humble beginnings because, once it was successful and bought by a larger media company, I wasn’t rewarded for my dedication, my hear work, my success or my growth. So when I was offered a higher position at a rival start-up publication, I jumped at the chance.

Not What I Thought it Would Be

I turned 40 a couple months ago. I was actually pretty excited about it and looked forward to my birthday. I actually thought this was going to be a good year.

Fast forward to now…my company closed and I’m out of a job with no current prospects, I recently had to put my 18-year-old cat to sleep, I’m miserable and I feel like a failure and nothing in my life has turned out the way I once planned. This year is not what I thought it would be.

I’m in a serious funk right now. I keep trying to stay positive but I can’t think of anything to be happy about or to look forward to. Every day it is getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed. Every day I get more and more discouraged as I endlessly look for and apply to any job I am remotely qualified for only to be rejected or get no response.

If this is 40, it fucking sucks. Welcome to the rest of my life.

I’m Not OK, but I Will Be

It’s been a tough couple of weeks for me. I lost my precious furbaby, Tails, and it broke my heart into a million little cat-shaped pieces. Added to that, there’s been a lot of stress and uncertainty with my job that has not made it easy to deal with anything. And with everything that has been going on people keep asking me how I’m doing. Let me tell you, I’m not OK, but I will be.

Breakdown

I’m having a really hard time right now. First, I’ve been struggling with the loss of my furbaby, Tails. I finally had to put her to sleep last Friday and it was the most heartbreaking and soul-crushing decision I’ve ever had to make. I have not been the same since and it seems like every day has brought a fresh memory of her and a renewed sense of loss. Then the vet called a little while ago to tell me her ashes were ready and I could pick them up whenever I was ready. And this sent me into a tailspin.

It is so hard to sit here alone and be consumed by this overwhelming grief. And add this to all of the stress of my job right now and I really don’t know how I’m holding it together. At this moment, I’m thinking about the bottle of vodka in my pantry. How enticing it seems to just get completely wasted and pass out so I can forget about everything for a while.

I could always just get in my car and go for a drive to clear my head…and then keep driving.

I need something good to happen in my life right now. Because as things are right now, I’m about to have a fucking breakdown.

 

So Hard to Let Go

I don’t have kids. I have cats. And my oldest, Tails, is 18 1/2. She’s had a great, long life and she has more than earned her nickname, Princess. We’ve had some health scares with her in recent months and most recently things have gotten so bad we’ve had to had discussions about putting her to sleep. And this decision is killing me.

Daddy

I’ve had a fair share of ups and downs in my relationship with my dad. There were times he was the absolute best guy in the world in my eyes; he was fun, had great taste in music and he made me laugh. There were times I did not understand him and didn’t want to be around him. There were times I didn’t like him or didn’t talk to him. But no matter what, I love him. He’s my dad.

Only Those That Matter

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about friends I’ve had over the years who have disappeared from my life. It used to bother me that people who once meant so much to me (and I thought I meant a great deal to them) could just cast me aside. I used to wonder why it was easy for people to leave me. It has taken me a very long time to realize that it wasn’t me; it was them.

Be Happy With What You Have

Over the years, through reading books, watching movies and just observing other relationships, I have developed a pretty romantic (and probably unrealistic) notion of what love should be like. And, from time to time, I have felt let down that I didn’t have this fairy tale romance in my life. Because of that, I haven’t always been as happy with what I have as I should have been.

No Defense

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this post and whether to even say anything at all. By now, everyone has heard Donald Trump’s incredibly vile sexual comments about women. I have sat back and watched as people (including Trump himself) tried to justify his comments and play them off as “locker room talk” while others have distanced themselves from Trump and called for his backing out of the election while still others expressed disgust and outrage. I went through a range of emotions upon hearing his comments. I was only mildly shocked because it’s Trump we’re talking about and he has said some pretty ludicrous things in the past. I was disgusted that he could actually brag about forcing himself on women. I was infuriated that he would use his position of celebrity and modicum of power to take what he wanted from the women he wanted. And I was saddened that this sexual predator was unbelievably in a position where he could be given even more power to perpetrate even more unspeakable abuses.